|
|
|
November 15th, 2009
09:53 pm
what the fuck is "gawr" on november 27th?
aaahhhhh
i hate being out of the loop.
|
November 1st, 2009
12:28 pm - Just so I can always remember my amazing night last night.....
It started out Chupi, Chan, Andy, and I stopping by a gas station on our way to portland. creepy mexican guys oogled me. Then we went to Lloyd Center were the guys ate nasty pretzel food and I jacked a pumpkin from Jamba Juice. I had almost completely finished that nasty "Joose". We arrived to Burnside and began walking. The first band that played was pretty great, a nice little warm-up. Star Fucking Hipsters, blew my mind. I locked eyes with Nico and mouthed "I love you!" and she was like "aww I love you too!" Andy and I were up in the front, right behind a speaker, in front of Stza. Jumping, screaming, thrashing...it was so loud my left eardrum is still blown. After the show I felt in a drunked stooper so I had to stand in the back for Citizen Fish. We left and went back to vancouver to change and get ready to party. Me, in hot cop outfit, Chupi as ghostbuster, Andy still like a punk I guess, and Chan just lame and normal. But at least he came and hung out which was great!!!!! Lark Lo is a bitch!!! lol. Almost went to a party in ridgefield, passed that up cause chupi "knew" them. Stopped by portland party house and casey and mirirah were asleep on the couch, casey and liz were "busy" downstairs lol, and so we just took off to walk the streets of portland. Finally finding parking, the walk began. Too many freaks, whores, drunk head, bums, everything, everywhere. It was the party of the century. We walked up and down and everywhere, of course stopping to talk along the way. Chupi found an angel waiting on Burnside who smoked me a joint!! After the walk, we head to Hotcake House which was SLAMMED and a party of its own. People everywhere, the Scooby Doo crew!!! Next Roxy, slammed again, why wait? Dennys, finally with a "Flo" to serve, was pretty empty. Vanilla flavored cappuccino, and watching two mexicans bring in two crazy drunk sluts. One was so whacked, she flashed her ass (which only chupi and i caught) and then proceeded to pass out, head down on the table, for ever until we even pulled away. Night well spent.
|
October 29th, 2009
09:45 pm
Its happened again. I let myself get too loose, too open, too free.
this is how i want to be in relationships, yet once this happens, everything changes and i feel like i lost something. I dont know if i can be in a long term relationship, because it is typical that the excitement ends, the adventure halts, and the strong desires become infrequent.
Why cant I want constant passion and craze?
Is it me, do I project a sense of bore and lack of spontaneous attitude?
I heavily feel the love in my heart, yet something always feels missing or I cant seem to actually feel happy. Everythings fine, so why fret and change things? I have everything I could ever want and can live my life however I want.
I do wish I could just live life achieving these incredible goals, really make something of myself, see the world, and not get caught up in the miseries of life.
I know I cry often and can have a sour mood, I just cant seem to shake depression or anxiety.
What am I doing right now?
Going to school, for what? Maybe I should go full-fledged, do something radical,
and start living my life.
What do I want to do?
I want money. Now. Either grants or scholarships or loans, I want to be able to attend and focus on school, learning and exploring. Education can feel so empowering, rather than a frustrating chore. I want to get a degree in a specialized field, and then make anywhere from 40-80 thousand a year, doing what I do best. I believe I have that kind of motivation. And what am I waiting for? Marriage? Kids? A new house? Im twenty fucking years old. I think I want school and little work. I will always owe money but I want the freedom of my age, right now.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/pensive_sy.gif) contemplative
|
September 23rd, 2009
11:38 pm
If you’ve had a particular coach or teacher or parent who has helped you learn, write about that person—describe what she/he looks like and sounds like. Is the person gentle and encouraging or tough and intense? Or something else?
Terri was amazing. She was very personable and laughed a lot. She was also very soothing and relaxing during her exercises, I never felt pressured or rushed. She wanted us all to feel comfortable and focused. She had long beautiful reddish hair, funky black square framed glasses, and wore eclectic long skirts that were just perfect for the dance. We were always barefoot during it, which also added to the natural, tribal and exotic mood to the dance. She also had a few different coin belts that were gorgeous. Coin belts are also known as hip scarves and they are the dangling and jingly tied skirts we wear around our hips. I definitely loved her fun and encouraging attitude, she was so uplifting and positive.
If you were to describe the history of your development of this skill, what stages or periods in your development would you identify? Write a sentence or two briefly characterizing each stage or period.
The stages could be identified as beginning, moderately good, and then fairly advanced just towards the end. In the beginning my moves did not flow as smoothly, I had not learned any parts of the routine, and I only knew a few of the moves and songs. I also did not feel as comfortable and free yet, I felt as if I was holding back a little. When I became moderately good I knew pretty much all of the various moves, could recognize what rhythm to carry with what type of songs, and had most of the routine memorized. I was definitely feeling confident and Terri noticed how I smiled often and was really enjoying myself. It really didn't take me too long to go from the beginning stage to a more developed stage since I immediately loved it and wanted to dance all the time. Then for the fairly advanced, I haven't been in that stage for very long, especially since I am no longer taking the class, although I wish I was. By the end I could accurately preform two different routines, could freestyle dance, and felt comfortable enough to let my boyfriend watch me practice. I also went to the Oregon Country Fair and did some personal dancing there, not for the public but just to the drum music. I really feel like I have the hang of it and now that I know what moves to do, I could probably start teaching my friends in hopes I could get other ladies into it too.
How do you know you’re good at it?
I know I am good at it because it feels very natural to dance and connect with the music I am listening to. If I just let it flow through me and energize me, I can easily pick it up and float with it for a long time. Terri and my peers also said that I had done an amazing job. I've also showed a few friends and they all thought it was awesome, so I must have not looked awful. I would not want to preform in restaurants or on stage necessarily, but its still a great skill to have, especially when I love listening to music and want to get on my feet with it.
Describe the place where you typically perform this skill. What colors, smells, sights, sounds do you associate with doing this skill?
When I think of colors, I think of red and gold, as those are the colors of my hip scarf. I also think of the color purple as that is what I chose for the veil. I think all of those colors fit the atmosphere of the dance anyway. We simply had our class in an elementary school's gym with bright florescent lights, which is not really ideal for this type of dance. So instead in my mind, I created an image of very low lights, exotic spiced smells, and lots of low murmurs as if I was in some little exclusive Middle Eastern club. It sounds silly but it really worked to get into the flow. The music I associate it with is obviously Arabic, Indian, Egyptian, some Turkish, and there's even been some Native American influenced drum beats. A lot of bells and the sound of the zils we play are the delicate 'ding!' and 'ring!'.
Describe some of your best achievements with this skill. What, specifically, has made you especially proud?
I am especially proud that I can preform the shimmy routine, which has several moves such as half moons, figure eights, 3/4 step shimmy, a fast shimmy, and it is rather quickly paced.
Current Location: sameeeee
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/bored_sy.gif) bored
|
September 22nd, 2009
10:47 pm - Getting Started essay
1. + 2. I am pretty good at Bellydancing.
3. My earliest memories of learning this skill was last January when I took the course. I needed a break from academics and was working a lot of hours, so I decided to take something that would be fun and therapeutic, as well as a physical outlet for my energy. I took it from Terri Nystrom, a beautiful woman with lots of wisdom. There were about 4-7 women in my class, it varied depending on the week. I was determined and only missed one class when I was very sick. The other ladies in my class were all over the age of 30, so there was plenty of jokes going around about me being a 'youngster'. They were all friendly and I had a great time with them.
4. Some of my family members and friends thought it was a little unique, as most people think of bellydancing as some sort of flashy, erotic, dance that involved a huge gut swirling around. But many people thought it was awesome and wanted to see me do it!
5. I started to learn by taking the weekly class offered by 'Clark Explorations' and I practiced a lot during my freetime.
6. I had an early success in that I memorized a Shimmy Routine very quickly, I believe I was the first one in class that was able to preform it perfectly. It helped my peers out because they could actually look to me to know what the next move was! A failure could have been that I had a hard time with the veil part of the class, I am so little and short and the veil was a little big and difficult for me to maneuver at first. Yet I quickly learned the best way to work with it.
7.
If you’ve had a particular coach or teacher or parent who has helped you learn, write about that person—describe what she/he looks like and sounds like. Is the person gentle and encouraging or tough and intense? Or something else?
If you were to describe the history of your development of this skill, what stages or periods in your development would you identify? Write a sentence or two briefly characterizing each stage or period.
How do you know you’re good at it?
Describe the place where you typically perform this skill. What colors, smells, sights, sounds do you associate with doing this skill?
Describe some of your best achievements with this skill. What, specifically, has made you especially proud?
Have you ever taught anyone else this skill? If so, tell about what that was like.
Were you ever tempted to give up? Why or why not?
Has it cost you a lot of money to develop this skill?
What do you enjoy most about your skill? Is there anything you don’t especially like about it?
Do you have goals for the future with this skill?
Current Location: Andys computer chair
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/happy_sy.gif) amused
Current Music: stza crack-hoof to da mouth
|
August 17th, 2008
03:53 pm - will the real jesus christ, please stand up?
wow im so fucking happy they made it so goddamn easy to navigate through this website, finally.but i notice the URL doesnt work quite the same. alas, the bookmark toolbar has become my guide on the web.
i love the heat. i want sun and heat...and i love the rain too, and clouds are pretty and some wind that chills is pleasant as well. I dont know why im discussing the weather, but it seems like a relatively broad subject that anyone can relate to, generalize, or have feelings about. i think about taking meteorology and learning more about weather shit, but then i think what if its boring, but what if i can better understand my surrounding world i exist in?
its so fucking weird because this year has been such a flip flop but many things are still the same. now i have the choice to attend school, but i have to pay or find the means to pay for all of it and all the extra fuckin expenses they tie on. and now, i still feel the urge to go. i want to learn and expand and grow, i look through that cheap ass catalog and i dont care about money or friends in the class or if tis going towards some fuckin degree that i dont have or plan ebcause again, i dont really care; instead im simply focused on what times i can be there and what i want to absorb, appreciate, further understand, or challenge myself. like this math thing, a huge part of me wants to suck it up and get it the fuck over with. but im stubborn as hell, AAHH TAURUS!!! and that part of my personality wants to do what i want to do, and i want to take something worth my while, i feel like some types of math would totally apply to my lifestyle but theres a bunch that dont, and basically i want to use numbers and strange equations as little as possible. maybe its because i vaguely remember doing much math as i was homeschooled by my mom. i think she doesnt care for the subject either, and i never fully grasped it, then i didnt do public math school until eighth grade. i had the fuckin coolest lesbian teacher and i cant really remember what i learned in that class, other than i had it with perry reiter and we were best friends and inseparable and somehow, with the help of fellow students and other people to finish assignments, i made it out. then my ninth and tenth grade math teachers were BOTH FUCKING OLD ASS STUPID MEN that ruined my life and made me hate math just as much as i hated their sorry, miserable, asses. seriously. whats his fuck face was such a dick, ever since that class for the rest of my four years it was awkward seeing him. maybe it scause i hung outw ith jpeople that didnt want to work. thats really got to be it.
boy oh boy, i just went on the longest tangient of my life, and im sure i could have continued. but seriously, i just want to feel like im in control of my life and i can make decisions and determine my reality, or at least how i react and respond and interact with the world and people. it seems far from where i started in this entry, but i need a new fucking phase of life. everyone is constantly changing, everyday, every second....but like who do i want to be? or realy, who i am right now this second. so fucking much i hate and resent myself, think of how to change or whats to come, and i dont always feel satisfied with who i am. but then i think, shit man i have it going pretty damn good, hardly any complaints except for those nagging quiet small issues that i cant ignore, because as much i used to do it as a child, i HATE lying.
I fucking hate it. I dont care if people i work with know i smoke marijuana daily, and i dont think they should either. its ridiculous. and my grandparents believe i still live at home? is it realy going to giev them fukcing heartattacks, mommy dearest, i8f they find out im living with my boyfriend of AFUCKING WHOLE YEAR. yeah, June 2nd was the day we met, and ever since that night he has been in my mind, my life, my fucking heart and soul. its kody taylor and i really dont give a shit if my parents want be to be with a 'christian' man or if they think im young and shjouldt settle, WHAT FUCKING EVER dude, im with him right now, in this momemt, and i just wish i had done it all differently from the start. my dad doesnt feel the need to get to know him, when if only he knew how i really felt.
but who really does anyways. who really can? like, i keep thinking i need someone to totally hear me out, relate to me, and give me the feedback of my life in order for me to feel relieved and solved and understood. but in the first place, i can barely tell anyone, its not that im lying, i just dont speak up. i chose to ignore shit rather than deal with it or speak up. but i thikn i can be obvious and im always up for discussion.actually though, i do often get really defensive. must come from my self loathing. but i do love myself a lot too...ahh fuck it.
i am in control now. im choosing where im living, who im in love with, how i wanted to fit in at sbux, how i want to feed myself, how i clothe, i mean what more could i ask for. but i still feel so unsure of myself, constantly second guessing or feeling the need for approval. whats my fucking dealio yo.
|
December 5th, 2007
10:34 pm - Hey you weren't the giraffe from last night
I'm at a loss.
Lately, males have been requested me to give them a call, and for the most odd reason, I cannot seem to follow through.
Why am I afraid to call a guy on the phone?
Is it that I'm afraid? Or maybe I'm just too lazy. I could be forgetting completely, so caught up in whatever I'm doing.
Am I just a bitch who is rude and doesn't follow through with what she says? But does that mean I'm just intentionally hurting people or am I completely clueless?
I will stop asking questions, since this dear journal that is live cannot reply.
But I don't know what to fucking do.
I don't feel like being the one responsible?
I just don't call anyone maybe, other than a few close friends. I think I'm kind of going through this weird and awkward stage in life and I really need to be close to family, and the family I have is Rachel, Casey, and Brandon, and Miles Davis the Cat and MaryJane.
It's just my family and I have school/work/messes/car problems/health and shit to deal with, so I end up worn out and just need comfort, safety, and security. I notice lately I haven't been as outgoing or outstretching to people I don't know as well. Rather, I'm turning back to people I've known for a while or have had previous engagements with. What does this say about me? I need love from people who know me.
It's not even bad, I love it. I love it so much. My family and old friends are incredible. But, why the fuck can't I call all these people I say I'm going to? It's fucking improper and bad manners.
But does anyone ever feel like you just so whole-heartedly desire for someone to pursue you, want you so bad, put you first, and love on you? No, I won't go there. But come on.
So, this is what I'm going to do because it will be making me happy and I don't know what to do about other people and want they want.
I'm going to eat a bowl of cereal, maybe have some kiwi and chocolate? Hot cocoa, yes. Then I'm going to edit my papers, read my speech outloud, gather my things for tomorrow together, and watch the L-word until I fall asleep.
See, this is my ideal life man.
|
November 28th, 2007
08:56 pm
how is it that my ex
who acts like a gay man
has more sex with women than me???
how do guys get girls to sleep with them??
i dont want to just fuck any girl, i suppose. and i dont want to 'get' girls to sleep with me. im just jealous.
and he thought i was jealous of the girls, HA. no, I'm jealous of him.
meeting girls at work or the bookstore, what the fuck.
I GO TO BOOKSTORES ALL THE FUCKING TIME. ive never gotten to fuck anyone ive met at a bookstore :(
i want to have bookstore sex!!!!!
actually, i feel like im in love. with someone i dont even know. and its awesome.
|
November 22nd, 2007
04:45 pm
last night, i fell asleep... not sure what time. but then i woke up and left rachels around 445 and came to my house, falling asleep estimated at five.
then i wake up at four the next morning, on my sofa downstairs, my mom saying 'allie, why dont you shower now?'
of course i slowly remember getting up at the time i set for myself, eleven, no later will i sleep in was my goal. but i came downstairs and i remember my mom was eating something on the couch, then she settled further and i decided to lay my head down too.
so ive gotten a lot of sleep, but my tonsils still feel like fiery dragons, breathing on my tongue. plus my teeth are like newborn babies, pushing out of their mothers womb on labor day
|
November 21st, 2007
10:54 pm - announcement?
hello!!!!!!
EVERYONE ON LIVEJOURNAL READ ME!
have old books you dont want anymore? give them away to me! dont throw away anything of them.
have ones you dont like anymore, your family gave to you that are stupid, you never cared to read...
any kinds, all types, the better the quality the better.
i will personally pick them up from you and take them off your hands, maybe bring ya a cup of the 'bucks of whatever you please :)
thank you!!!
|
November 20th, 2007
October 31st, 2007
02:08 am
think about it.
this is my journal.
im supposed to record my thoughts, feelings, rants, raves, secrets, delights, disgusts, and a shitload of whatever else.
then i can make it private, for friends only, or the public.
but ya know what?
what im fucking feeling, i dont want to write down.
i dont want myself to read it, none of my "friends", and not the damn public.
i wished i could get a deadjournal, because then the URL would be more fitting for the shit i actually sit, well lay with half my body hanging off in front of the heater cause its fucking greenland in here, to write. greenwood. he was beautiful.
i want to lay here, naked, alone, high, with an empty stomach and watch the l word.
is life all about having a companionship?
what if i swear to fatherfucker (not god because his entire existance is arguable and uncertain. and not Mother Nature because she is beautiful and no swears are made to her) that i do not honestly think there is a single person that would truly, fully, and whole-heartedly want to spend the rest of their lives with me.
and let's not pull the fuckin young card, i dont want to hear that bullshit.
we do it, we know we do. we date, we kiss, fondle, fuck. we dream about being with that person, any person for the remaining days of our lives. we picture certain people and question our futures with them, our possibilities of long term, and we simply let our minds wander into areas most people won't acknowledge thrive.
sure sure im just stoned so im rambling, but what the fuck do i have this thing for anyways?
other than that. ramble.
so, im just saying. maybe... i dont know. i want someone. and i want her or him real bad. i want to share hot chocolate and cookies in bed, leaving traces of crumbs everywhere. i want to promise i will scratch their back if they scratch mind, only to fall asleep during and never return the favor. i want to ride our bikes all over town, parks, trails, and anywhere else we can travel with a backpack and two wheels.
fuck this man. picky? maybe. indecisive? yes. lonely and horny? fuck yes. encompassing the patience to continue being alone until i find what im looking for? i have no damn clue.
|
October 13th, 2007
01:00 am
blahblsdfjd;lfjdslfds
its one in the morning and im wide awake and bored. i feel sick. and tired. my headd hurts a bit. i wish i was either fucked up or with osmeone. iguess i could be hanging out re;lgfddfjfkjg
i cant even fuckign write. fuck it, thsi is stupid. who makes posts when theh are bored out of their brain??? i need to be sleeping or working onschool. or fucking. yes, having sex.
yes ima bad bad girl. who wants sex. shame on me!!!!!
fuck it. im too sick to fuck. or is there such thing?
|
12:22 am
its just.... this is so hard for me. im never single. i have never been fucking single. and it feels so empty. i want someone so bad. i want to like someone.
i miss thinking about them. i find myself thinking who do i daydream about anymore?
i love making food and cookies or just random cards or little gifts or whatever. being creative for the person you love.
and i want to cuddle with someone. feel so extremely close to their skin, feel their warmth.
i have no one, no one to call on a regular basis, someone who cares exclusively for me, because they are my other.
no one is dreaming about me, wishing they were in my arms, wishing i was making them hot chocolate and scratching their backs.
i have no one to come home to.
i love being in my room. i have ladytron playing and all these beautiful good smelling candles lit all over my room... im just in sweats. eating dinner, with my heater on. i feel so content right now, and i want someone next to me. someone who loves me. i want us to make hot drinks and cuddle while we watch a movie on my laptop. then we will wake up at like four in the morning, like i always do, and be like what the fuckwe passed out haha. and then we just adjust and keep sleeping. or we decide to stay awake and have really hot passionate sex. or we will just wait till the morning when we roll over and realize that we have each other.
i want them to know everything about me, understand where im coming from, be honest and open with me, feeling comfortable.
i want to be in love, but i want it with the right person. i dont know if i mean right, just... someone who works. someone it clicks with. it kind of clicks with a few people, maybe if i tried, it would work really great.
but im selfish and fucking lazy. and i want the fucking perfect person i want to appear at my fuckin door, waiting to just let it happen, just fall in love. to just have those crazy jittery feelings, you cant control them, you cant stop tihnking about the other person, all you want to do is text them, write letters to them, watch them sleep. eating together, laughing, crying, running around and going on adventures, whatever. having a kickass time, together.
thats what i long for so bad.
but i guess im willing to wait.
|
October 9th, 2007
11:46 pm
i just want somebody to love..........
but im so damn picky.
|
October 7th, 2007
11:24 am
come on, what the fuck is going on lately.
am i treating people like shit or do they have expectations that i just cant meet despite my efforts and true desire to?
I just cant live for other people.
I'm selfish, I guess. because I have no idea what it takes to truly make others happy, and ya know, I've been making boyfriends happy for a very long time now. Allie wants to make herself happy, hang out with lots of different people.
FUCK YOU GUYS some of you males FUCKING KNOW you like getting ass too sometimes. Maybe I jsut need to make myself clear. I want to be single. I do know want a fucking boyfriend.
Why? Because time and time, i jsut hurt you guys. i dont want to, i never mean to, its only that i like to make choices based on exactly what i want to do, whats best for me, and yes i do try to follow through most of the time. I mean im not the shittiest person. but i like hagning out weith a variety of people, and im fucking sorry if i dont spend all my hours thinking about one boy. or one girl.
YES i like them both. too fuckin bad if you want me to choose mr. bone, im not selfish i love both sexes, i love people for people. who they are, what they like, the dreams tehy have, i dont fucking care about whether they have a penis or a vagina. it only means what sexual organs they , it says nothing about their orientation or their personality or anything.
i cannot be with anyone. i feel like people keep getting mad at me for one reason or another. and im sorry sometimes im not perfect. but i swear im just doing what i do. i like to party. i like to pass out in evan's parents bed cause my lungs are completely saturated with marijuana smoke. ok? im not gonna lie or deny it. it was a night, i love having party nights. i met so many people last night, observed many, learns new perspectives, etc. i had a good time. so fucking sue me.
maybe people here may not like me, i plan on leaving. i mean does everyone hate me...no. but all i know is i have full intentions of finding roommates and living in portland...starting to look in january. i cant even wait. freedom is only a short breath away.
Current Music: sufjan stevens
|
September 30th, 2007
04:13 pm - my face resembles a dying rose
fuck it man. im realizing so many things thanks to my womens studies class. so much about how our society views women and how we have these rules or laws imposing on us. a way we are supposed to be and act and get approval. how we should not want to be on top or win or be more dominant and aggressive over men. i want to have the same equal choices and say as any guy. im so sick of this patriarchic society.... i do not want to give in to a man, or feel like i have to do what he says because he is the "stronger sex". its not about the women wanting total control and all of the power, but the freedom and the liberation to make choices based on specifically what we desire is best for ourselves, and not owing the men, or making decisions because it is what would seem fitting or right for a female to do. of course its not to say its bad when a woman does make what is said to be "feminine" decisions (which guys often do, havent we all said "that man is having pms"?) but it is the mere idea that women should never feel guilty or pressured or lesser, weaker. and it is still an issue. and it deals with us within politics and within our own personal lives as well. i dont know why everyone remains so shocked with the person i have turned into. just because im a smaller, short, woman, people expect me to not get a sleeve of tattoos or get angry or cuss or love sex... and at times, i feel like its wrong for me to do those things, and people disregard or do not like those changes in me anymore... and why? im not even at the crop of the oppressed! i mean, my god what if i was a lesbian? or i made more money than my husband? or i didnt dress to fit the standards of what the media has said is sexy? or a million other instances where women are not allowed to, are judged, under appreciated, under recognized, abused, mistreated, and not given the same opportunities and rights as men? thats all im saying man. open up your mind and think, you will realize a lot of things about rules and how our society functions. it makes me proud to be a woman and to want to feel comfortable and confident in whatever i choose to do, whether a man approves of it or not. wooohoo thats awesome, thank you clark college for your teachings.
.... i need to smoke a lot more weed, dude
Current Music: and now, we never look back....heartless bastards
|
August 18th, 2007
07:01 pm
why is it that every time i have a boyfriend, im afraid that im going to fall for someone else? im afraid to get to know other people or make closer friends with outside people of the opposite sex. its so easy for me to fall. and im so deathly afraid not of cheating physically, but mentally. wondering, being curious what it would be like to be with them, being holding their hand instead, and how they would treat me. does this mean i am not satisfied with my current relationship? i think that i am, but the idea of someone new, someone else almost always excites me. am i doomed to never settle with anyone? is there one person who will catch my interest, and i will not be able to stray away? i need change, i need to be impulsive and spontaneous, i have no idea what my future entails and i refuse to plan ahead with any other person, but to instead make all the decisions on what is best for myself.
fuck it though. maybe i just should be single.
|
May 8th, 2007
10:06 pm - ahhh
fuck you mom. youre pissing me off. youre mad that im getting all defensive but you are attacking me. you are assuming things you shouldnt, you automatically reject and question every thing i do. why the fuck do you think im moving out? i cant stand living in this over protective conservative noisy house. im not grateful for anything you do, id rather leave so i can appreciate all you do. cause right now it just pisses me off. it pisses me off that you dont have a job, you dont contribute to the house's income. but you bitch about not having enough money. you dont do anything. if you had a job maybe youd be out of the house more, but youre always around. i cant stand it. you get mad that i leave so much, but i hate when you nag at me. i'd rather be able to be closer to you if i was not living with you. i want to say "man i had it so good when i lived at home" cause right now i fucking hate it. stop trying to control my life and tell me whats right and wrong. its never worked in the past, your punishments never did anything, i'm sorry i've failed you as a daughter and fucked up but im learning and doing my own thing. your advice has helped and i couldnt have made it without you, but dont be so mad i'm like this when this is what youve helped create. i cant blame you. it must be hard raising a daughter. but you have raised me and now its time to let me free. stop restraining me. dont fucking question pete and i, this is all ive ever wanted. stop whispering to yourself about me when i can hear every fucking word youve always said. stop expecting me to be perfect like my sister. im sorry shes a virgin, doesnt smoke pot, isnt a liberal, doesnt have a lesbian best friend, and wants to be a fucking doctor. but im figuring all this shit out on my own.
im trying to tell you how excited i am about peter and youre just bitching and i feel like you dont want me to be happy. youre trying to protect me, do that later. just support me. dont talk down to me, dont let the first thing you say be an attack. stop nagging when i have to write a fucking speech and now all i want to do is leave. id rather be broke and eating bread and fruit all the time, riding my bike or carpooling or showering in a swimsuit with corinne or having a million blankets in the cold or doing my own recycling or garbage anything to not be in this hosue. i'd rather have to deal with this shit and grow up on my own than have "mommy and daddy" paying for all my shit. you dont pay for all my shit anyways....and you bitch about the stuff you do pay for.
i cant take living here anymore. and corinne and i need another roommate. and its ok if its cheap and its a struggle cause at least i will be doing it on my own.
|
March 20th, 2007
08:41 pm - free write
I remember that I do not want to be here right now. I don't want to sit here and bitch and moan when it will get me no where. But i want to go somewhere. I want to go to Chicago and sell my clothes to the state, I don't mind, I don't mind. I want to live in a small place and I want to be full of the truth. The truth is I am depressed. I am a grey dark gloomy cloud, looming over camas, ready to break and burst at the chock of any moment. I want to sail away. I want to hear new languages, ingest new foods, see colors I have never seen before. I want bright lights and soft dirt. I don't want to make sense. I want my brain to be free and to fly to New York and never feel trapped. I remember that spelling is something I want to improve on, but my math skills-not so much. I dont want to want alcohol or drugs, I want a pure, clean, wholesome body. Like wheat bread. Like the kind I will give Timur. Timur...like a tree falling down in a lush, quiet forest. Families of animals drunkenly lying around without a care in the world. I don't mind, I don't mind. Clowns are so frightening, no thoughts are not random, they are all intertwined but the mind conceives thoughts at such a rapid rate that one's own arm cannot bear to keep up with the overflow of words. The elbow feels sore, fingers cramped and bruised, but the mind never stops questioning, worrying, analyzing. Random does not exist because one thought only leads to another which can make perfect sense. Our brains are too speedy for sense. We can barely understand ourselves and the things our brain expels as we have so much intelligence stuffed down that we will never experience because our bodily functions cannot work at the same rate our brains can. If only communication could occur directly from brain to brain. How ruined could we become? We would loose our privacy, our thoughts, our secrets. We could not hold back and our true real selves would be exposed. But reality does not exist either because realities can change from one person to another. I remember that today I have so much to do and absolutely no motivation. I am too smart for my own good. I have figured it all out. I have dissected and understood everything life encompasses. My arm is number from writing, and my brain from living. My heart from loving and my body from enduring. Immorality must exist to let us escape from those different harsh realities we have created because we want complete freedom to roam restlessly, we seek and we hunger our flesh to *undefinable word* us and for our truths to be exposed. We want the naked exposure because this in essence is human beings and our existence.
That was a ten minute free write, written in my 5th period english class. We were just told to write, about anything and everything. How freeing is that? Just fucking write. Get a pen/pencil and a piece of paper, and let your body and your thoughts flow. I realized so much after writing it down. I'm not even sure all those words are my own they seem so strange. But they are so inhibited, I did not want to share them in front of the class because they are almost obscure and conceited. It really does not make any "sense" because my brain was just running and running and it didnt seem to matter. Why do we always have to make sense and try to sound professional and completely accurate? I bet some of the best pieces of literature were written during a random free write, because when you let your mind wander, thats when the real shit hits the fan.
Thanks, thats about it.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sillyshorty's journal